this boner is exhausting
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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