Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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