oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
