Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize