Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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