I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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