cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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