also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
