Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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