How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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