my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
