he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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