i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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