I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
