Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize