I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
