I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
