i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
