I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
