I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
