The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
