Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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