Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
