Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
