I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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