shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
