my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
