I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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