I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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