I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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