at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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