I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I could fuck to npr.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
