Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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