My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
