I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
