cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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