We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
