Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
