wrigley field is MILF paradise
someone threw a dead crab at me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
FUCK WHALES
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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