This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
