i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
