not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
