yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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