Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Blood and glitter go together right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Sext me about skeletons
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
