Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
