she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
