oh god the rape fog is back!
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
