Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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