cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
