my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
