I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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