I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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