im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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