I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
