Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
