i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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