I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
