I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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