A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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